Annoyed

January 15, 2010 at 4:25 PM (Energy, mommy guilt, Recovery) (, , , , , , , , )

Cancer giveth, and cancer taketh away. The giving part is another post for another day. Today, we gripe.

Actually, it’s sort of a meta-gripe. I had a lousy day earlier this week, I won’t bore you with the details, but the thing that really cheesed me the most was this overarching feeling I had that I ought to just stop grousing and be thankful that I had a life to live. And that made me madder.

Not only has cancer taken away the innocence of my assumption that I’ll live to be a hundred like my grandmother, that I’ll be around to annoy and embarrass my teenage sons, that I’ll get a chance to spend some of the (admittedly smaller than previously) IRA my tax refund funnels into every spring, among other countless losses. Now I can’t even have a lousy day, sink into a funk, eat too much chocolate and ignore my vacuuming without feeling guilty? I have to be so THANKful that I’ve surVIVEd long enough to be having this day at all? That just sucks.

Wow, someone needs a nap.

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8 Comments

  1. Brian Wagstaffe said,

    It’s amazing what circumstances can make us think we should be thankful for isn’t it?

    My mother was diagnosed with cancer, in her 50’s, in September/08 (has it been that long?) and given a month to live. Needless to say we all thought the doctors were crazy, it didn’t seem possible that she could go from being fine, to dying of cancer in such a short time. As much as they told us there was no way to cure her, every little step in the right direction made us hope that it was possible. It was hard to keep from getting your hopes up that a miracle would happen. She had been completely healthy basically all her life up to that point, to say it came as a shock wouldn’t do it justice. She died right before my 31st birthday, a month and 5 days after being diagnosed. I would give anything to have just one more month…

    Here’s hoping your family gets to enjoy your company for many more years to come. 🙂

    • sarahfeather said,

      Brian, I’m sorry to hear about your mom. I can’t imagine having to say goodbye that quickly. (Side note: How DO the doctors guess with such morbid accuracy?)

      Thanks for checking in. I’m sure my family is glad of every day they have me, and I know I am glad of every day I have with them. But sometimes I’d just like to have a crappy day and feel normal about it, you know?

      Best,
      Sarah

      • Brian Wagstaffe said,

        Yes the accuracy is a little alarming, isn’t it?

        I know exactly how you feel, it’s as though you aren’t allowed to feel crappy because you are supposed to be so thankful for each day. Which sounds good but, it can get a little tiresome I would imagine.

        If it helps you have my permission to have one really crappy day where you don’t have to feel bad about it. I mean other people are allowed to feel crappy, bitch and moan and all that other stuff without feeling bad right?

        Here’s hoping you have a crappy day without feeling bad for it 🙂

      • Brian Wagstaffe said,

        PS

        I wanted to mention I read the Kilt post, that is weird how things work out that way isn’t it?

  2. Amy Hofmann said,

    Sarah, I love the cranky you as much as I love the cheery you. Perhaps more? Have a lousy day if you like. Or two. Everyone, even cancer chicks, are entitled.

    Love you!
    Amy

  3. lwayswright said,

    I have lupus, which, unlike cancer, cannot be predicted as far as a life timeline. But, there are days, many in fact, when I feel sorry for myself, wish i could feel crappy and not feel guilty about it, wish I could do more with and for my kids (again guilt steps in) and always feel like I need to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get over it, even when I AM really sick and just can’t. I have had to learn the hard way that when your body talks to you it is telling you it needs rest, or it needs something. Listen to your body, and don’t feel guilty for having a crappy day. you deserve to have those every now and again!

  4. Ann said,

    Oh hell, here’s the trick. Feel crappy and grouchy and *revel* in it.

    Bad moods are part of being alive too, no? Go ahead, throw a little tantrum if you feel like it.

    We cancer chicks don’t have to appreciate every damn sunrise just because they do in the movies (right before they expire with makeup on and long, long lashes.) In fact, I’ve never appreciated a sunrise in my life – I hate mornings. Cancer isn’t changing that.

    Give yourself permission to feel as human as you have always been, because that is what you will always be whether you make it to granny’s age or not.

  5. Boston Mamas said,

    Sarah, everyone has crap days and no matter the circumstances you should feel free to experience them. They are part of life, crappy as they are. Be OK being in that moment, and you’ll feel happier and more grateful when you come out of the funk. xoxo

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