Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back

February 19, 2010 at 11:08 AM (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Have you ever had that dream where you’re running, something’s chasing you and you’re running as fast as you can, but no matter how fast you move your legs you don’t go anywhere? Yeah.

Got the results of the CT yesterday. (You see where this is going, don’t you.) The Avastin is successfully holding down the pelvic tumors – they’re even smaller than they were in November. The lungs, however, don’t seem to be getting the message. Old (tiny, glacially progressing) nodules have grown a millimeter or two; new subcentimeter nodules are appearing. No lymph node increases, nothing in the abdomen or bones. But those lung guys, off by themselves, clearly on their own program, making trouble.

I’m working on my optimism, but today it feels like my balloon is a little deflated. I know all the things I’m doing to take care of myself, exercise, diet, good attitude, and all the things my medical team are doing to take care of me, scans, great medicines, oodles of treatment options, are the best in the business. Seems the glacier’s gonna carve that canyon anyway.

The Avastin will continue; I’m meeting March 1 with the head of the clinical trial department to see if there are any open studies looking for a guinea pig who’s totally healthy except for the damn cancer. Let’s hope the nasty make-your-hair-fall-out-again studies are all full.

One thing’s for sure, I’m going shopping with my usual post-tax-return IRA deposit this year.

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8 Comments

  1. Dawna said,

    All I can add is a little optimism. All is Well, Sweet, Sassy Sarah. All is Well.

  2. donnatrussell said,

    Hi Sarah. I’m sorry to hear this. Cancer is such a challenge. Even the holy grail of remission is not all that great when you’re still terrified of recurrence. But of course, managing that fear is clearly the lesser of evils.

    Over the years I’ve learned to think of cancer as a before-and-after event. I first heard the phrase “the new normal” in a book by someone who’d “survived” divorce. I remember thinking: Divorce! Oh if only I had a divorce on my hands instead of cancer!

    FWIW:
    http://donnatrussell.com/2009/06/03/cancer-survivor-manifesto/

    And:
    THE COMFORT OF WOOD
    By Naomi Shihab Nye

    I come to this table tired
    I come empty as a cup
    a fruit bowl with no bananas

    I come with my various resources
    dragging behind me
    a cat’s wet tail

    I come to this table with no song
    no definite opinion like garlic or onion
    flavoring the stew

    The table is sitting where it always sits
    braided placemats
    in front of each chair

    I found the table at a store called
    “The Hand and the Heart”
    I was not looking for tables

    The table sat in the center of the room
    leaves like wings folded at its sides
    a single drawer with a runner that stuck

    Now I am learning the comfort of wood
    as I place my head on the table
    as I fold my hands over the scars

    Take care. – DT

  3. mom said,

    I’m with you all the way.

  4. Ann said,

    I’m so sorry to hear the news. Good luck with the Clinical Trial director- here’s hoping there is something in the works that will remove this cancer from you for good. In the meantime, you are doing all the right things to keep yourself healthy for the cure.

    Thinking of you.

  5. mynameisnotcancergirl said,

    Well, shit. This wasn’t was I was hoping to read. II am so pleased that the Avastin is helping with the pelvic tumors, but hate that the lung nodules are growing.

    Take the time to be upset/pissed/scared because, as you know, shoving those feelings aside doesn’t work. You’ll know when you’re ready to begin being optimistic. Until then, don’t fake it for the rest of us.

    To borrow a turn of phrase from my beloved Hussies, let me pull your wagon for a bit, as you have pulled mine.

  6. Jennifer Houston said,

    Damn it.

  7. Kristen Brooks said,

    Thinking of you as you kick some a** with the cancer and the clinical trial director…..

  8. tori said,

    I’m way behind on checking the site and so I’m sorry I haven’t read this till now. Little fuckers. (i’m referring to the crap on your lungs) I’m working through the anger here to think positive thoughts and send them your way. bigggg hugs.

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