Erosion
Some days I feel like a regular person. Aside from my daily nap, I run errands, walk the dog, cook dinner, sort the junk mail, fold the laundry. Except for my goofy haircut, you’d never know I am sick.
Today is not one of those days. I’m completely drained. I’m not sure if it’s the allergies (Massachusetts is covered in green pollen) or what, but in my Pilates class yesterday I had trouble completing any of the exercises (that usually make me sweat, but not collapse). It was as if someone was squeezing handfuls of the bottoms of both my lungs. We had a dozen errands to run in the afternoon, and by the time I’d dropped #1 Son off at soccer practice, I could hardly bring myself to heave my body out of the car and climb the stairs.
This morning seems to be little better. At the gym, I had to dumb-down my not-so-strenuous treadmill workout, and still hopped off every five minutes for a water break. At the park, I felt so fatigued I wondered if I’d make it back to the car. Even the dog seemed to know not to make me work too hard, and behaved himself.
At the risk of sounding like Pitiful Pearl, I’m flat. My feet are killing me. My sinuses feel like there’s been a knife fight. And I’m noticing that despite my ability to stand up to the flood of finite treatments and surgeries and to keep on truckin’ in the battle of Me vs. Ovarian Cancer, I’m wearing away, little by little, in the face of a slow trickle of endless chemo and side effects. Is it the Cytoxan? Is it the tumors? My lungs feel funny – is it the metastases? I can’t say, at least not until my next scan (5/19). But it’s getting harder to pretend I can do it all in the four hours a day I seem to be able to stay out of bed.
Gee, I might have to add a morning nap. That’d be terrible.
Photo courtesy http://www.reallynatural.com
I'm a two-and-a-half time ovarian cancer survivor who is not only determined to make it to sixty but also to look damn good while getting there. My two boys, husband, and dog are counting on me to get out of bed every day, so I might as well wear something cute and make each one COUNT. I'd love to hear from you about your odyssey - sharing makes it all easier to take. And laugh at.
The Carcinista 
tori said,
May 12, 2010 at 12:33 PM
OK – I know excercise is good for you…but maybe a sleep in every once in awhile will help? I hate that your lungs are feeling funny. I really hope it’s the ridiculous pollen counts and that’s it. One more thing – I’d never leave that bed.
donnatrussell said,
May 12, 2010 at 12:41 PM
🙂 Take a nap. Then go in the living room, prop your feet up and start ordering people around. You’ll feel better. And here’s a nice little screwball comedy from the past you can put in your queue: “The Awful Truth” starring Cary Grant and Irene Dunne. You’ve probably never heard of it, but it holds up well. One of my faves.
Liliana said,
May 12, 2010 at 12:45 PM
Maybe you are expecting way too much from yourself. When I was going through my chemo, even making a phone call exacted too much energy on certain days.
Nurture yourself. Slow down. One day at the time.
I wish your all the best in the world.
Liliana
http://graciouslivingdaybyday.com/
Denise said,
May 12, 2010 at 12:53 PM
If I don’t have my daily nap (and sometimes when I do) I’m shot by 7:30. It makes me feel weak, wimpy, and feeble. It majorly sucks; but it beats the alternative. I t admire your will to get out and excercise…it’s on my short list of goals. Keep fighting the good fight and take it easy if your body tells you so!
Jennifer said,
May 12, 2010 at 1:52 PM
Dear Sarah! I so want to be near you so that I can do those things for you. I know that’s not what you want, but I truly miss being able to help. Miss you!
sandhy said,
May 13, 2010 at 4:29 AM
my heart really goes out to you. I remember that feeling. The exhaustion. It’s incapacitating and infuriating! I only had 6 months of treatment and it felt like I’d been in a war. And you are doing Pilates, gym, soccer runs, errands, dog walking…even people NOT in treatment would be shattered! It makes me tired just reading it
Add a morning nap. Why not? It doesn’t have to be forever. I hope you feel better soon. Really soon. Maybe after that nap? ;o)
Mr. Wonderful said,
May 13, 2010 at 8:39 AM
Or you could go to bed before 11:30 and get a little more sleep at night?
Ann said,
May 16, 2010 at 8:50 PM
I’m incredulous that you are doing pilates. And, taking your kid to soccer. And , runniing a dozen errands and getting on a treadmill. I’m six weeks out of chemo and I’m still too tired to do those things. I could do ONE, not all.
No way could I have done it during chemo – you are still superwoman to me.
I think your husband outed you – go to bed!